My Ongoing Grudge with Mean Jean
I once knew a girl named Mean Jean. Well, that's actually not her name at all, but we'll call her that for the sake of anonymity. Mean Jean was, as you might have guessed, straight up mean. Mean to me, my friends, and most other people. She was the kind who would be very nice to your face, especially if she wanted something. But would drop you like a hot potato once she got what she wanted. I recently thought of her, and you know what cracked me up? When I heard her name mentioned my first thought was "What a jerk! She is so mean!"
You guys, that's so embarrassing. We're talking 25 years later I'm still annoyed with someone who wasn't nice to me, most likely for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I've forgiven other people for far worse crimes. I've led clients through some major forgiveness work and seen them flourish after letting go of that burden.
So why was I still holding onto Mean Jean?
Turns out I hadn't taken the time to actually do the forgiveness work that is required to let something go. If we don't purposefully forgive, we just keep holding on to that grudge. I hadn't thought of Mean Jean in years, but when her name came up I learned that the grudge was alive and well.
Is there someone out there who you have not forgiven? Does it feel good to still be mad? Because I get that.
Could it be that you just don't know exactly how to forgive?
Or maybe you don't want to forgive because you don't want the other person to think what they did is ok.
Or, maybe you want to hold on to being "right."
Maybe the act of forgiving feels a little scary because then you are no longer the victim of the other person.
Or, maybe the person you most need to forgive is yourself.
Here's the deal, though. Hanging on to anger and not forgiving someone is far worse for you than it is for the other person. As the old saying goes, it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.
Today I am going to walk you through the steps to forgiveness, as I learned it through the brilliant Brene Brown. I have used this work many times myself. I've walked lots of clients through it too. It works. The lightness you'll feel after letting go of a long held grudge feels amazing.
The cornerstone of Brene Brown's thoughts on forgiveness is the idea that in order to forgive, something has to die. You have to let go of and grieve something in order to truly forgive.
So what do I have to let go of, let die, and grieve to drop this ridiculous grudge against Mean Jean?
If I'm mad at her, that means I'm nice and she's mean. I'm right and she's wrong. Can I let go of being right?
I'm teaching her a lesson by holding a grudge. I'm proving something, and if I forgive her it's like saying her behavior is ok. This sounds a lot like #1, doesn't it? I'm right, she's wrong. I'll decide what needs to happen because I control the universe (Ha!)
Why should I forgive her if she isn't even sorry? She should be sorry for being such a jerk! In reality, she might be sorry. She might not be. It really doesn't matter. I need to drop the idea that I can control Mean Jean or anyone else on Earth! This is a lesson I learn again, and again, and again.
So it turns out this forgiveness is all about me. If I can let go of being right, and let go of trying to control others, I can let this grudge go. Letting go of all of this doesn't mean her behavior was ok, or that I need to tell her that I forgive her, or that I need to see if she'd like to have lunch next week. I won't be doing any of that!
Here goes.
Mean Jean, I forgive ya. I don't mind if you are sorry or not, or even if you realize you were mean or not. I have empathy for how you must have felt about yourself to be mean to others. I've felt that way too. I'm going to choose to forgive you because it's best for me. And that's all I can control. Next time your name comes up in my mind I'll call you Forgiven Mean Jean. Peace out Forgiven Mean Jean, I hope you have a great life.
Whatcha think, friends? Are you ready to forgive the Mean Jean in your life? Reach out to me if you'd like help! michelle@michellelynchard.com