Heartbreak, and the Gifts that Follow
For years, we struggled to have a baby. We spent more money than I can count. I felt left out of the "mom club" and felt I was the only one who couldn't get pregnant. This made me want to skip parties and other social events where all of the women had kids. They didn't know what to talk to me about, and vice versa. They'd ask "how's work?" and I'd say good and then it was back to discussing diaper brands and sleep routines. My friends were not unkind, in fact they were super supportive and encouraging, it was more that I felt I didn't fit in.
Also, I resisted doing physical harm to every person, and there were MANY, who said "just relax, it will happen" (never say this to anyone, ok guys? They are doing their best to get pregnant and that makes it feel like their fault!). This period of my life lasted 7 years. Every day wasn't miserable, but some of my hardest days came during those years. I didn't share my struggle with many people, because at that time I didn't want anyone to see me as "weak." I had a long history of achieving everything I set my mind to, and this baby thing wasn't going to be any different. It was just a matter of finding the right doctor, or trying harder somehow.
Fast forward to 2007 when we got the best news ever - we were getting a baby through adoption! A birth mom and birth dad had picked us. He already born. We could pick him up today. He was two days old and he was OURS! Words could never describe the joy I felt. I realized that our son was meant to be ours, and it took a while for him to get to us in a way that I hadn't even thought of 7 years earlier. It was a miracle. This is obvious "good from a bad situation" - but there were so many more when I look back.
Feeling like I didn't fit into a friend group helped me make some unconventional friends. The person I hung out with most was my Grandma. We went to movies, read and discussed books, went to breakfast together, and talked on the phone every day. She has since passed away and I treasure those memories. I also made friends with a group of men in their 60s. We ran at the same park and one day they asked me to join them. I ended up running with them twice a week for years. They were true friends and probably have no idea how much they helped me. Being able to discuss business and hear about their former military service and laugh at their funny stories was a breath of fresh air. I am still in touch with some of them, 15 years later.
Not "succeeding" with getting pregnant made me realize that you can't achieve your way out of everything. Sometimes you have to be still, feel the pain, and allow other solutions.
Suffering alone by choice made a bad situation worse! Friends and family wanted to support me and talk about it. I have learned to be more vulnerable, open, and imperfect.
Adoption has given me new perspective on love. I have encouraged so many others to adopt and supported them on their journeys. I have experienced a new kind of relationship which is with both of my kids birth families. I have learned that kids can't have too much love, and for us, having a birth family and an adoptive family is a beautiful thing.
I learned that I should have taken notes on all of that talk about best diaper brands and sleep routines . . . Thankfully all of my lovely friends gave me recaps when needed!
I also learned that true friends stick by you, even when you've been distant for years, and come back when you need them. My friends flew in and created a nursey for me, HGTV style, when we didn't even have a baby room, but we had a baby!
If you take a moment and look back on a hard time in your life, are you able to think of a positive that came out of it?
PS If you are in the midst of a hard time, trust that something good will come from it. It may not be today and it may not outweigh the pain, but there is a silver lining in their somewhere, I promise.