Shame on us?
Shame: the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. - Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
Have you ever felt shame for any of the reasons listed below? These are some of the top reasons women feel shame, based on hundreds of Brene Brown's interviews:
The need to be perfect. Look perfect. Do Perfect. Also you have to make it look easy, making it look hard ruins the whole perfect thing.
Judgement from other Mothers.
Feeling exposed when people find out about your "flaws" - the parts of yourself that you want to hide from everyone.
Losing control of a situation when you just can't pull it all off and "everyone" knows it.
The feeling of never being enough at home, at work, in bed, as a daughter, as a parent, as a sibling, as a friend.
Ouch. I don't know about you, but that list is painful to read. Each and every one of those resonate with me. At different points I have definitely felt shame about not living up to all of them.
Let's walk through an example to see how this can play out in our lives.
Let's say there's a Mom, we'll call her Super Mom, who gets up at 5 am to work out, then gets herself ready for work, wakes her kids, gets them ready, makes lunches, packs backpacks, gives hugs and kisses, and gets everyone out the door on time.
She heads to work and leads meetings, replies to emails, chats with co-workers, gives a pitch to her boss - all before lunch. Super Mom grabs a quick lunch in the cafeteria to eat at her desk, and continues working away all afternoon, handling various interruptions and phone calls. At 4 she gets a call from the school and remembers with a jolt - oh no! There's no extended care today and I forgot to pick up my kids! She throws together her laptop bag and bolts out the door.
She picks up the kids, one upset and one totally fine, and takes them home. She makes dinner, manages gymnastics drop off and pick up, has a quick catch up with the hubby, does baths and bedtime. After finally getting a quiet house to herself, she gets out the laptop to answer emails and apologize for missing her 4 pm meeting. She works a few hours to catch up, but goes to bed feeling overwhelmed about tomorrow.
Looking back on her exhausting day, there's a pretty good chance she felt shame for ALL of the top reasons listed above. She's not perfect (forgot to pick up her kids early), judgement from other mothers (no one else would ever forget their kids at school), feeling exposed (great, now school and work know I don't have it all together), and the feeling of never being enough - at work, at home, as a parent, everywhere.
Most likely, Supermom isn't consciously thinking "I feel shame for not being perfect" - but something in her subconscious is.
The worst part is that it could start all over again the next day!
So much for my upbeat blog posts, eh? There is good news, I promise!
We don't have to buy into this Shame Cycle.
The way I see it, we can combat this whole shame situation by doing 3 things:
Learn about it. Notice it. You've just learned a little bit about it from reading the paragraphs above. Notice when you feel "icky" and check yourself to see if you are feeling shame. Are you making yourself feel shame? Do you feel shamed from other people? Just noticing it lets it come to the surface so that you can question it. Don't judge yourself if you are feeling shame for being flawed and human. Just noticing it is a great first step.
Question It. Do you want to buy into the "perfect myth"? Do you want to judge other moms, or support them? Do you believe that we are all enough, just as we are? Take a minute to think about what you believe.
Be Truthful and Real. Share your struggles. Doing so gives others permission to not be perfect, too. It makes others see that you are human and therefore trustworthy. In our example above, what if Super Mom tells her team the next day what happened? She would be seen as human, and approachable by her team. Why not tell that frazzled looking Mom in Target "I've been there!" with a knowing smile or kind words?
We all know living up the standard of perfect is impossible. Let's act like it, friends! Let's be brave and be our real, flawed selves.
If you struggle with shame, I can help you turn those thoughts around and release yourself from your own expectations. Life feels so much better without them. Trust me, I have been there! Perfection doesn't help us achieve, it holds us back from our full potential. Shame isn't a useful feeling that helps us grow. It stops us from being our best selves.
❤ We are, right now, exactly enough and perfectly imperfect. ❤
PS I wore a pajama shirt to gymnastics last night. I have lost my phone twice today already. Back to school made me want to crawl in bed and stay there all day. And the list goes on . . .