How my jealousy of organic baby food helped me become a coach

Today we’re talking about jealousy. 

The ol’ green-eyed monster. 

I don’t know about you, but I was brought up to believe that jealousy was a bad emotion and I should instead focus on what I do have. Jealousy in a romantic relationship is rarely a good sign. So I’m not fully going to bat for jealousy, but there are times where it is an extremely helpful emotion. If we treat it with curiosity instead of shame, we can learn something important about ourselves. Let me explain what I mean. 

Exhibit A: I noticed that when a certain Facebook friend would post about the business she started, I was jealous. How had she had the nerve to start an organic baby food company? Or the funds? I would immediately shame myself for even thinking that, and then tell myself to be happy for her. I actually was happy for her, but there was something that just felt “stuck” in my feelings about her success. 

Exhibit B: A mom in my son’s kindergarten class who was so … content. She never seemed rushed or upset. She stayed home with her kids and seemed to genuinely enjoy it. Summer seemed to be one fun adventure after another. At that time I was pretty much always rushed and flustered. I paid my nanny to have fun summer adventures with my kids because I had to work. Again in this instance, I was happy for my friend but there was something more complicated about my feelings about her life. 

In both cases I was jealous. It wasn’t until I read Martha Beck’s book Finding Your Own North Star, where she suggests that we should investigate jealousy, that I gave myself permission to investigate what I was feeling. Turns out that jealousy can be our gut telling us to look into something that we desire.  So when you are feeling jealous, try this line of questioning instead of shaming it away. 

1. What do I envy about this person's situation that I don’t currently have? 

Was my gut telling me to start a baby food company and stay home with my kids at the same time? Nope! I didn’t want their lives, exactly. But what I did want to start my own business and I noticed that I envied every woman who had already done that, no matter if it was a pie shop, a monogramming business or a consulting firm. I also envied Moms who could enjoy unstructured time with their kids. I wanted some time off work to do that! 

2. How can that information help me? 

I considered the information that I got from my jealous feelings to be an arrow, pointing me in a general direction of where I wanted to go. Not exactly GPS directions but instead a “head this way” suggestion. 

3. What can I do to bring a small piece of what I desire into my life, sooner rather than later? 

I didn’t start my business until years after I noticed this feeling. But I read many books about it and followed woman-owned businesses to see what they were doing. I also supported and promoted them at every turn. As for the time with my kids, I started taking off work on Fridays in the summer and eventually proposed and received a part time schedule. (If you just had the thought “that could never happen at my job”, rest assured I thought that too!). 

So the next time you feel jealous or envious, treat it like a curious investigator instead of shaming it away. Your gut is probably pointing an arrow in the right direction!