How to change someone

Here’s an exercise to use when you are really frustrated with someone and want them to change.

What are the things you want them to change? 

Name five things, like this:

1️⃣ Pick up your own dirty socks.

2️⃣ Stop being late.

3️⃣ Never look at your phone when you’re with me.

4️⃣ Walk the dog without being asked.

5️⃣ Notice when I look nice.

What are the things you already love about this person? 

Name five things, like this:

1️⃣ You are super kind.

2️⃣ You make me laugh.

3️⃣ You’re always there when I need you.

4️⃣ You have an adventurous spirit and are always up for doing fun things.

5️⃣ You give the best hugs.

Take the “Things I Love” list and read each one. Really focus on the gratitude you have for this person. Take a pic so you remember the list. Maybe even text the person and tell them all of the reasons you love them. 

Now, take the “Things to Change” list, crumple it up, and throw it in the trash. 

That’s it. 

The only person you can change is YOU. Other people don’t change unless they want to. Change yourself by focusing on what’s great about them, and accepting the rest. You’ll both be happier!  

PS I wrote this email in a lighthearted way to make the point that instead of nagging someone about the small stuff, the better move is to change your focus. However, if you’re in a relationship that is toxic or damaging to your mental health in any way, I do NOT suggest you ignore it and throw away the list. It is still true that you cannot change the other person, but the changes you might want to make for yourself could include ending the relationship or setting strong boundaries. 💗 Feel free to reply if you need further advice on this.

PPS If you’re stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and overwhelm, I’ve got your back. Set up a free consultation with me to learn more about 1 on 1 coaching.