Ep #57: Stop People Pleasing and Save Hours of Time

episode summary

What would you do if you suddenly had 12 free hours on your calendar?

People pleasing costs you precious time, and if you can learn to stop, and say no up front, you can create hours of time for yourself. Today you'll learn a proven method to break free from people pleasing so you can have a more calm, relaxed life.

In this episode, you'll learn how to:

Identify the situations that trigger people pleasing, and their hidden time costs.
How the Love and Fit method can help you to confidently say no without guilt.
Reclaim hours of wasted time each week, leading to a lighter mental load and less overwhelm.

Ready to reclaim your time and break free from people-pleasing? Tune in now to discover the Love and Fit method and start saying no with ease.

Featured on the podcast:
Schedule a coaching discovery session with Michelle
Ep #3: Stop People Pleasing

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If you are sick and tired of feeling overwhelmed, I can help. I coach clients on 1 on 1 to create a more calm, relaxing, intentional life. The first step is to set up a complimentary discovery session right here.

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Want to learn more about me or my work? Head to my website at www.michellegauthier.com

Discover practical strategies to overcome imposter syndrome, manage time effectively, and cultivate a calm and positive mindset while setting boundaries and combating negative self-talk in high-stress jobs, all while learning how to say no and prioritize self-care on the 'Overwhelmed Working Woman' podcast.

Music Used: Pop Guitar Intro 01 by TaigaSoundProd, Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-licen

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CHAPTERS:

2:47 - 4 People-Pleasing Opportunities

4:57 - People-Pleasing = Time Wasting

10:57 - 3 Steps to Stop People-Pleasing

Imagine what it would be like if you had 12 free hours of white space on your calendar to do whatever you want to do in the next couple of weeks. You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less. I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach. On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences, and in each episode you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life. Hello, my friend, thank you for joining.

Michelle Gauthier: 0:41
Today we're going to be talking about a combination of two of my favorite topics: people-pleasing and time management, both of which contribute pretty solidly to feeling overwhelmed. I'm going to tell you today how much time we waste when we people-please and how, with practice, you too, can stop people-pleasing and start saving time. Even if you're the biggest people-pleaser in the world and you feel like this is an impossible task for you, stick with me, I've got you covered. I'll give you some examples of where women often people-please. I'll show you how much time those can waste, and then, of course, I will teach you how to stop people-pleasing, using a method that I developed, called the love and fit method and, as always, we will wrap up with Michelle's Do Less for More Success tip. Before we dive into today's episode, I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who subscribed and rated and reviewed the show during the month of April, when we were celebrating our one-year anniversary. I hope you're wearing your cute Overwhelmed Working Woman t-shirt and feeling good, because you helped boost the show so that lots of other women can hear it and feel less overwhelmed too. So thank you for that.

Michelle Gauthier: 1:55
Okay, back to people pleasing. So last week I was working with a one-on-one client and she gave me four examples - we always talk at the beginning of a session about wins and she gave me four examples in just one week's time where she had an opportunity to people please, and in one case she almost did, but in the end she did not people please at all and instead she did what was best for her. And as we were celebrating this huge win, we went back and we speculated what her week might have looked like if she had said yes to all four of those requests, and it was really amazing to see how much time she could have spent had she said yes instead of saying no, had she done what she thought other people wanted her to do instead of what she wanted to do - the amount of time that could have been spent or wasted.

Michelle Gauthier: 2:47
So we're going to take a look at four situations where you could be right at the precipice of people-pleasing and what would happen if you do people-please and what would happen if you don't. The first one we're going to talk through is a phone call. You're getting a phone call. You really don't have time to talk and you know that the friend who's calling you is just calling you to complain or gossip. It's nothing urgent, it's just a need to vent type of call, and you really don't want to pick up or it's not a good time for you. Okay, so there's one time where you could think, "I really don't want to pick up this call, but I'm going to because she'll be upset if I don't right. That's a great opportunity for people-pleasing.

Michelle Gauthier: 3:27
A second opportunity for people-pleasing is your family asking you to be the one to host the annual Mother's Day brunch. You would probably feel pressure, especially if this is something that you often do, if you're maybe the one who hosts a lot of things and you might feel like, well, if I don't do it, who's going to do it? Or nobody's going to do as good of a job as I do. Even though I really don't want to, because I'm a mom and it's Mother's Day, I guess I feel like I should. That is a perfect opportunity for you to people- please, right?

Michelle Gauthier: 3:58
A third example is at work. You have a misunderstanding with someone who's your peer and you have this urge to tell the story, tell your side of the story to anyone and everyone, because you want to try to control what other people are thinking of you. So, instead of worrying about what other people might think, you're going to walk around and tell everybody the story and make sure that you're covered, and you're thinking that you're influencing the way that they're thinking about you, and that is people-pleasing, when you're trying to influence how people see you. Last example: your daughter doesn't want to play on a soccer team. She's done with soccer, but the other moms really want her to, because they want her on the team, or they want you to be with the soccer moms and maybe you like these moms too, and so you feel bad about leaving the team. And that's the perfect opportunity to people- please and make a decision based on what other people are thinking about you or what you perceive that they're thinking about you. So just imagine if you would have, given the opportunity to people- please or not, let's just take path A, where you people- pleased and went against what you actually wanted to do. So we're making the assumption that you want to say no to all of these things.

Michelle Gauthier: 5:11
What could have happened? So the complaining and gossip call would have taken like an hour probably. And then think of the mood hangover you get from listening to negativity without solving any problems, and that could kind of impact the rest of your day or your morning or whenever you're having this conversation. For example, you could be trying to focus on work and you keep thinking back on that conversation. So let's call that one wasted hour on the phone and maybe a two-hour hangover or mood over. Is that a thing?

Michelle Gauthier: 5:45
Then there's one where you were hosting Mother's Day. Think of the time it takes to prep shop, make the food clean the house, host all day, clean up, etc. I want to note here that if you really wanted to do this, that would be time well spent, but if you didn't want to do this, you probably will spend about 12 hours in total doing something that you don't want to do. That there's probably about four hours in that of you talking to people or you thinking about it on your drive to or from work, or when you're putting your kids to bed, going through what people could be thinking about you. And then there's this soccer team opportunity. So if you end up signing your child up for something that she doesn't actually want to do and you don't want to do either, but you're doing it because the other moms are putting pressure on you you're signing up for a season's worth of games and practices and keeping track of uniforms and bringing snacks and driving a million places, etc. So that's got to be like 50 hours, okay. So if we take all four of those examples, which are totally something that could happen in one week's time, and you said yes to all of those when you wanted to say no, we're looking at like 70 hours of time, actual time on your calendar, that's almost two work weeks of time on your calendar that's going to be taken up by either your brain thinking about these things or doing sitting at a soccer game, preparing for a brunch, talking on the phone to someone who you don't want to be talking on the phone to. Just think about that. And if you do that kind of thing every week, or even once a week over time, you just keep adding and adding and adding things that are taking up so much of your time but are not things that you actually want to do. For the next 30 days, I'm opening up coaching spots to work with me personally in a one-on-one situation. This is for you

Michelle Gauthier: 7:54
if you are a woman who wakes up in the morning already feeling exhausted, the woman who does everything for everyone all the time. If you have a stressful job that requires a ton of effort and hours but you also find yourself volunteering at your kid's school despite really not having the time to do it. Or the alternative, not volunteering but feeling really guilty about it. If you feel like you can never get to the bottom of your to-do list. Or maybe you find yourself just abruptly lashing out at your kids or your spouse because you're overworked and overwhelmed? If any of those sound like you, you are probably trapped in a cycle of overwhelm where you're struggling to manage your time, yet you keep saying yes to everything that anyone asks of you. You don't want anybody to be disappointed if you say no. Plus, if you don't do it, who will? All this only leads to more resentment, both of yourself and other people. So you might think the solution is mastering time management, like maybe getting the newest productivity app or getting a new planner, or simply cleaning out your closet or getting your house organized.

Michelle Gauthier: 8:54
All that stuff is great, but after helping 100 plus women over the past six years, I noticed that the first step - a calm mind and becoming mindful is an absolute must-do. Yet most people totally skip this. Maybe they think it's fluff. Instead, they just keep working harder and harder and I know when I was in that situation, that's exactly what I did to try to do more in an effort to feel better, and maybe that brings relief from the overwhelm for like an hour or even a day, but it's just not a permanent solution to feeling better and it's really hard to try to solve overwhelm on your own when you don't have hands-on guidance, helping you through a proven process like I've created. And that is exactly why I'm opening up my one-on-one coaching to our listeners, where I'll be with you and help you every step of the way. We'll start with that mindfulness to create a calm and clear mind. You'll learn how to say no, you'll start choosing what's best for you for once and, little by little, your life will start to feel intentional, calm, and much more peaceful. So if you are looking to enjoy your life more, including your work, and maybe you have a secret dream to quit your corporate job and replace your income with a new business or a whole new industry, or if you're looking just to be present and have fun with your family when you aren't working, or if you really want to finally put yourself first and have the courage to say no without feeling like you're letting someone down, or maybe the combination of all three of those at the same time this is totally the opportunity for you. I honestly really don't have many spots open and the price for my one-on-one coaching is going up by 25%, and that's why I'm telling you about this today, only for podcast listeners, this is the only place I'm gonna be mentioning this, you can join at the current price. The link to set up a free consultation is in the show notes.

Michelle Gauthier: 10:42
Let's solve your overwhelm together. Now, let's go back and look at all four of these situations and let's apply the simple steps to stop people pleasing, so that you can say no when you want to say no, and say it with ease and without guilt, so that you can save yourself, in this example, 70 hours of things that you don't want to do. So, as a reminder, those three steps are: number one, pause and buy yourself time if necessary so you don't respond without thinking through the situation. So, for example, if your phone's ringing and you're not sure if you want to pick up the call, remind yourself this is not an emergency. I don't have to pick this up. I can think about if I have time to talk right now and even if I miss the call, I can call the person back.

Michelle Gauthier: 11:31
A lot of times when people ask a question of us, especially if you are a deep-rooted people- pleaser and if you are, that's okay, you can totally change that but if you are, you may say yes before you even pause to think about if you want to say yes or no. You might just spit out yes as a default. So the first step is to pause. The second step is to use the love and fit test, and that is to ask yourself these two powerful questions. Number one: do I love this idea? And number two: does it fit? And the fit is *not* does it fit on my calendar? It's, does it fit with the lifestyle that I'm trying to create? So the Mother's Day brunch is a great example. Maybe if she looked at her calendar in this example, her Mother's Day would have been empty. There might have been nothing on the calendar yet, so technically it would fit on the calendar. But if you're trying to create a lifestyle where you feel relaxed and at ease instead of rushed and overwhelmed all the time, it doesn't fit for you to spend the whole entire weekend before and after the brunch getting ready for the thing.

Michelle Gauthier: 12:36
And then the third step is, if the answer turns out to say no - okay, if the answer is yes and you want to do it, great, easy, done. If the answer turns out to be no, then you just say no. You don't have to over-explain, you can keep it totally simple, and sometimes silence is awkward, but if you can just stay silent, you do not have to explain too much. So, for example, one good thing you could say if you don't want to host the brunch is actually no, I'm not going to do that this year. Period. You don't have to say I've been so busy at work I don't have enough time to do it, because every excuse that you give, every reason, whether it be true or not, that you give is opening the door for the other person to come back and say well, I could help you clean your house or we can all bring stuff to your house, or whatever. If you just simply say no, I'm not going to do this this year, there's nothing to come back for and really nothing to discuss. Remember this will feel uncomfortable, especially when you first start doing this, but it gets easier and easier and easier, and then you'll start getting the feedback of saving 70 hours in this example that we're talking about and notice how much freer your brain and your calendar feel because you're not saying yes when you actually wanna say no.

Michelle Gauthier: 13:51
Let's go ahead and apply the love and fit test to each one of these four situations, just so you can practice that step specifically. Okay, we're getting the phone call from a friend where we know the friend is probably just going to complain. Do I love the idea of doing this? No, Does it fit into the lifestyle that I'm trying to create? No, easy enough. Right? You don't really have the time. You don't really have the time and you don't really have the desire. So that one is a no. Let's do the love and fit for hosting Mother's Day. Do I love this idea? Maybe you do love the idea of hosting and you love having your family over. Maybe you don't, but let's just say you do.

Michelle Gauthier: 14:33
And then you ask the question, does this fit into the lifestyle I'm trying to create? No, like I discussed before, if the goal of your lifestyle is to feel less overwhelmed and more calm, this is not a fit. So when you have one yes, yes, I love this idea, and no, it doesn't fit into my lifestyle you can take a closer look and decide which one. Personally, I think if you're really committed to creating a new type of life where you're feeling less overwhelmed, that is the most important question. So I would say no to that one as well.

Michelle Gauthier: 15:04
In the work situation, do I love the idea of going around and talking about this situation to every single one of my co-workers so that I can try to make sure they don't think badly of me. No, does it fit into the lifestyle that I'm trying to create? No, if the lifestyle you're trying to create is one where you are working less, feeling less overwhelmed and, most importantly, caring less about what other people think of you. Because if you don't care what other people think, you're not going to waste your time going around and talking to everybody. You can just let them think what they want, and if they think something that's wrong, you can just let them be wrong about you, and that's okay.

Michelle Gauthier: 15:40
Now, as for the soccer team, do I love the idea of my daughter being on this team? Maybe you love the moms on that team and the answer is yes, I would love to hang out with them while my daughter's doing sports, but then I don't love the idea that my daughter doesn't want to do it. So maybe it's a lukewarm yes. And then, does it fit into the lifestyle that I'm trying to create for myself? Again, if you're trying to feel less overwhelmed and trying to, this would be my honest answer trying to model to my daughter that we have choices and we can make choices based on what's best for us. So if she truly doesn't want to do something and you're telling her that she has to do it because other people want her to, it's passing on the people-pleasing. So that would be a definite no for me for that reason. You think about what the answer would be for you. So, in case you haven't noticed yet, people-pleasing is a huge waste of time - literal hours wasted when you commit to something that you don't want to do. We've just talked through some examples of how often we people-please and how people-pleasing is trying to control how other people think about us, that that can be a huge waste of time, but that you can stop people-pleasing and save time by using the love and fit method. Okay, here is Michelle's do less for more success tip.

Michelle Gauthier: 17:12
The tip I have for this week is to use TaskRabbit. This is an app that a friend told me about a while ago and I decided to try it. I like to do things around my house. I can do small things, I'm fairly handy, but I needed to have a new bed put together and the old bed taken apart. That is not an impossible task for me, and especially if I get my son to help me, who's very handy, but the amount of time it probably would have taken me was a lot. So I used this TaskRabbit app.

Michelle Gauthier: 17:44
I chatted with the tasker before he showed up exactly on time. The charge was $55 an hour and I knew that up front. And in one hour time he picked up the new bed for me, brought it to the house, took apart the old bed, carried that outside because I had sold it, brought the new bed in and put the new bed together in one hour time. So I ended up paying him $55 for one hour and that task would have taken me, oh gosh, five hours. And how much is that worth? Yes, I wouldn't have had to technically pay anyone, but I'm paying in time. So you know I'm a big fan of outsourcing. This is my newest one. I've used it several times since that example too, and had really good results. Give it a try. That's a wrap for today. Have a great week. Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast. If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.com. See you next week.