Toxic Relationships and Closet Cleaning
Have you ever been in a relationship that is so toxic that every interaction with the person feels like you are under attack?
When my client Jane first called me, she was in a very toxic relationship with her boss. If you’ve had a miserable boss (I have! It’s awful!) you’ll know exactly how miserable your entire life can be. Every day is an exercise in “duck and cover” - trying to avoid their wrath and make them happy, which is of course, totally impossible.
When anyone is in a really stressful situation, it’s very hard to think clearly about how to get out of it. In Jane’s case, the idea of looking for other employment felt overwhelming, so we decided to table that and work on what Jane could control.
Jane cannot control her boss’s behavior. Despite trying, Jane also can’t predict when her boss will be amicable or terrifying. So what CAN Jane control?
Her own thoughts, that’s right! (If you’ve been reading my Friday emails for a while, I bet you got that one right, good job!)
We spent a whole session working on Jane’s current thoughts about her boss. What we learned is that when her boss came into Jane’s office, shut the door, and sat down, Jane’s brain automatically thought “I’m being attacked.” Imagine the flight or fight responses that happened when Jane’s brain threw out that thought! Jane would immediately feel physically sick, tight all over, angry and afraid.
After working through some alternate thoughts, Jane came up with a substitute thought of “Whatever it is, I can handle it.” Jane had evidence to support that thought because she had survived years of demands from her boss. She had also done many other hard things in life. Jane is whip-smart, super funny, and multi-talented. Being “under attack” made her forget all that she is. Reminding herself that she can handle whatever comes her way put Jane back in the driver’s seat.
It turns out, things with Toxic Boss have been a lot easier to handle lately. Toxic Boss is exactly the same, but Jane has changed. Jane knows she can handle whatever Toxic Boss dishes out today. She’s not planning on staying there forever, but for now, things are manageable.
Once we had that under control, Jane’s next life coaching assignment was . . . to clean out her closet! Stay tuned for next week’s Jane update to find out how that turned out and why a physical clean out helps our mind tremendously.