Emotional Labor, Part 1
Let’s pretend your family has a great idea to go on a family vacation. Between the time the idea is discussed and you board the plane, which of these tasks belong to you? Give yourself one point for each.
Select or coordinate selection of trip location
Check and coordinate all calendars involved (work, school, sports, spouse’s work) in order to book chosen dates
Choose and confirm date
Purchase airline tickets
Research and reserve hotel
Research weather for said destination on chosen dates
Ensure you and the children have the right clothing for the trip
Purchase necessary items if the answer to #6 is “no”
Locate suitcases
Wash and dry all clothes
Pack or oversee packing of childrens’ suitcases (don’t even tell me you do this for your spouse too!)
Pack or oversee packing of childrens’ carry-ons
Pack your suitcase
Pack your carry ons
Coordinate dog sitter, house sitter, plant sitter, mail-getter
Schedule transportation to the airport
Wake up earlier than everyone else to do last minute things in order to come home to a clean house
Go to airport with boarding passes in hand for everyone involved
Usher family through security and board plane
Pass out from exhaustion
Did you get a perfect 20 out of 20? Me too! This, my friends, is the “emotional labor” of planning a trip. It’s all of the behind the scenes thinking and doing we pull off without even thinking about it most of the time.
Emotional labor doesn’t just happen for trip planning, of course. If your child has a toothache, who do they tell, who calls for the appointment, who rearranges the schedule to take her? If your spouse offers to make dinner but then asks what to make, where the recipe is, and if we have the groceries, who answers all of those questions?
In most cases, these jobs just default to the Mom. Sometimes it’s easier just to do it, than to explain it or ask for help.
Here’s what I want you to do this week. Notice it. Notice when you are doing “emotional labor” how it makes you feel. Try to capture the exact thought in your head.
Example thoughts could be:
I love doing all of this, it brings me joy
I’m so glad my children help me
My spouse really does his/her fair share
This is just part of being a mom
I wish someone would offer to help me
If I didn’t do this, who would?
No one notices or appreciates what I’m doing
This really pisses me off
I hate doing this
This is why I don’t want to go on vacation (or add a situation of your choice - such as ask for help to make dinner)
So for this week, simply notice your thought without judgement and jot it down. For example if your thought is “I hate doing this” your only job is to note that you had the thought. You don’t need to try to think more positively or come up with a new thought. Yet!
Next week, we’ll work on what to do with that thought.